There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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