ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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