there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
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