I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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