I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
