My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
