WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
