Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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