My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
