I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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