there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
