Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
