Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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