omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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