i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
