it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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