yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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