I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
