You're completely useless in the revolution.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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