At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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