Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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