Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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