I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
