So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
