Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
