My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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