i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
