I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
