i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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