Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
