I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
