I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You are the jesus of drinking
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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