I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
