I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
