How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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