so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
