All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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