i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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