Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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