I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
