my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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