I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
