she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
