I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
