The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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