I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
