Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
