i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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