Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
