we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
