Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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