My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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