Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
