if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
